civilized

There is something about thunderstorms that brings me comfort. I’m lying in my bed at dusk staring out of my window at the spectacular lightning show. Even though at times the bright flash and deafening noise jump at me closer than I would like, it’s a refreshing reminder that a powerful force exists that is beyond my comprehension. Some hypothesize that the harsh forces of nature is God’s way of carrying out his anger. At this point in my human experience- my thoughts on that are relatively neutral. What I do know is that I surprisingly feel secure in the fact that I have no control over my own safety or if I will be harmed. It sort of helps me to let it be. Let it pass through me, and if I survive then I am stronger for it. And if I die- it was meant to be, no biggie.

Well, this week has been fairly stressful for me. I have been working with a group a girls on a research proposal which we had to present on Wed. I would rather shoot myself in the foot than conduct a research study. I'm starting to wonder if the man who calls himself father to me is even of blood relation. I am absolutely nothing like him- well I cant say that... I do have a bit of a temper, and I have workaholic tendencies (when I'm not being lazy). Anywho... my dad is a Neurologist/Occupational Med MD/Public Health Officer/Statistician. He does math for fun. My parents were vegan, we didn't have a milkman... where did I come from??
My mind and body is running on empty. Finals are next week. My ethics class has forced me to do unethical things. My roommates are gone for two weeks. I feel kinda lonely. All the girls at Emory are on the rag.
But then I remember a few of my favorite things... and then I don't feel so sad....
chocolate chip cookies and strawberry margaritas
enthralled in a book under my comfy sheet(ses)
slacking on facebook and day-hey-dreaming
these are just a few of my favorite things.
when my alarm chimes
when my patient dies
when I'm feeling not glad...
I simply remember- my life's not half bad
and then I don't feel sad at ALL...!

I just watched the phenomenal film "The Painted Veil". The thing that struck me was how foolishly some give their hearts away to the wrong people. Possibly to rescue them from their own feelings, to occupy them from boredom, to have assurance that they are acceptable to someone at all. I wonder how many people hide inside their own relationships. Do they know that they no longer exist to themselves anymore? What do you think makes a relationship a healthy one? Obviously, I haven't proven to be much of an expert in that area. I saw the way that Kitty Fane transformed in the movie- became truthful with herself and who she really was. She gave up some of her selfishness and entered a world in which she could offer herself. And learned how to truly love. Sometimes I feel like the bratty Mrs. Fane. Careless and lazy. When Edward Norton falls in love with me, I brush him off and sleep with the smooth talking cheap guy. Thats no bueno. When will I learn to fall in love with the good boys. I mean, who doesn't love Edward, come on? Sure, he might act like a bit of a nerd, but hell.. he figured out how cholera was spreading for crying out loud. Who wouldn't want that guy by their side?? Gosh.

The good:
1. Excuse to not work full time
2. No more night shits (purposefully spelled), weekends or holidays
3. Get to do all sorts of cool stuff (suture, drain nasty wounds, intubate, lumbar punctures, write prescriptions)
4. Get other people to do my dirty work (order: nurse, please give patient enema- thanks!)
5. More opportunities to work other places besides the hospital (aka- nasty, infectious, spray myself with lysol when I get off of work)
6. More $
7. Learning is never a bad thing

The bad:
1. Get up at the buttcrack of dawn and work for free
2. Actually Im not just working for free, Im paying to work
3. Gonna be in the hole $80,000 by the time Im done :(
4. Harassment from first year med. residents who never had time for girlfriends in med school.
5. SLEEP! SLEEP! I need more of it.
6. No time to have a life
7. Living in the city
8. Ivy league schools are full of snotty/bitchy people
9. Higher chance of getting sued

The ugly:
Hmmm, my bad list longer than my good list... maybe Ill adjust it in the morning. Mmm, sleep... Goodnight.

Ive abandoned you- oh livejournal... you were so faithful to me, and I cheated on you...with other cheap blog spaces that I thought were mine. And what did it leave me? Heartbroken. You were the only one that I could truly let my emotions loose with. You never judged me, or became annoyingly mainstream. Can you ever forgive me?

i just got back from las vegas two days ago. very cool. also stopped by the grand canyon. very very cool. i have some wonderful pics that i will be posting shortly (as soon as i can figure it out) ok, so im not so technologicaly advanced- sue me. anyways, my fav casino was the venetian- very awesome. they have indoor canals and gondaliers. it was amazing. BTW the desert is also in full bloom because of all this crazy rain out here- so wierd. all this grass and flowers- who do they think they are, ruining my desert experience.... hehe anyways, ciao.

I have the greatest joke ever in history:
what is the generic name for viagra?
answer- mycoxaflopin

blind date is even better- hehe